Nerd Girl Problem: Having to put down a great book...

I can TOTALLY relate to this...

One of the things I am most grateful to my parents for is the love of reading they instilled in us.  As I have shared with my husband over the years, there were afternoons on vacation where we would all be one room reading and the only sound would be the turning of pages.  To this day, we are all avid readers. 

I wanted to share two books that have come across my kindle recently.  (Point of information - I say kindle, as I do use it for reading, but my preference will ALWAYS be paper books!)  Even if you are not a working parent or a parent, these are AWESOME books.  I have a whole list of parenting books I love.  Comment below and I will happily send you my list. 

I hate when reviews use last names, as I always think I know an author well enough after reading their book that we are now friends. So, please do not think I am being disrespectful, quite the opposite.

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg

This is THE business book to be discussing right now.  If you haven't at least checked it out on Wikipedia, you should.  I promise that you will seem much smarter in your next meeting. :o)  

Sheryl is a great writer and has had an amazing career.  I LOVED the first half.  I was facinated by her rise through the tech ranks at Facebook and Google, her tenacity and thoughtful approach.  I loved the stories about the beginnings of Facebook.  And I felt like I took away some great tips for shifting the way I approached my career. 

The second half felt like a mixture of repitition and condicention.  She talks a lot about managing family and work.  It's helpful, but I could not relate.  She has the financial means to hire help and pay for the best.  Not all of us have that experience.  I think it detracted from her message. 

Carry on Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton

 

If you have not been to Momastary.com - go.  Stop reading this right now and click on the link.  Please come back when you are done, but I will warn you reading her posts might just drain your afternoon.  Glennon is amazing.  Her story is remarkable and her message is even better - Be YOU.  Be a truth teller and a hope spreader. 

Her book is really a collection of her blogs with some other information woven throughout.  I have read other bloggers books, but this one just struck me.  Perhaps it is her candor or honesty or the fact that her love just jumps off the page. 

The bottom line - I like this book because I felt like I could go back in at any moment and feel better when I put the book down.

My favorite reading buddy is my beautiful sister.  She has wonderful recommendations for all kinds of books.  I just love how smart she is and I would argue that reading just enhances her thoughtful brain. 

That is us, above, after going to the bookstore at midnight and staying up all night to read Harry Potter 7.  NO, we did not dress up, but we thought about it.   

Books are amazing.  They transport us to another world.  They give us wonderful topics of discussion and a chance to imagine a world beyond our own walls.

Happy reading, friends.
xo

Turning Forward

My theme this week seems to be change.  And here's why...

On Monday, the tragedy in Boston unfolded and I was instantly transported to the summer of 2000 and walking those very streets during my career-path changing internship at Boston University.  And I realized that was almost thirteen years ago...

On Thursday and Friday, we held our spring company meeting in Morristown, New Jersey.  The hotel's gym was outside the hotel proper, but right next to the Headquarters Plaza movie theater.  I laughed to a colleague about a couple of really bad dates right upstairs in those seats as we puffed away on elliptical machines.  And I realized that was almost 23 years ago...

On Monday, I was added to a class page for my high school reunion next summer.  Since I zoomed out of town in 1994, high school has been very distant from my day to day life.  I keep up with a good number of my classmates via Facebook so I don't feel an intense need to find out what is happening by attending, however it brought me back to the halls of MTHS pretty quickly.  And I realized that was almost 20 years ago...

And in the past few months, I have been thinking a lot about getting "back" to the pre-baby me.  Getting my figure back.  Remembering who I was before a child and a mortgage and wrinkles and a REAL job. 

And I realized something else....

That person is gone and never to be found again.  The girl who interned at BU and went on those bad dates and sang in the high school choir is not the me sitting in my pretty blue office next to my little boy's bedroom. 

I have found that there are lots of changes happening for all of us every day - incremental and huge.  Painful and simple.  Wished for and despised.  Self-imposed and thrown at us with force. 

Sometimes they really hurt.  But in the end, I believe they are good.  Who we are now is to be celebrated - frown lines and all.  Change is part of embracing life and parenthood and love and growth.  Finding acceptance in change is one of the most difficult things we can do. 

My brother is amazing to watch when it comes to change.  I will never forget his College graduation.  I kept looking for a wistful sign or a note of sadness, but he didn't show them.  I asked him later why and he told me, effectively, that he was done and ready to move on to the next thing.  He had a great run and it was time to go. 

I think about that when I find myself holding on too tightly. 

One of my challenges is to embrace the moment and I cannot possibly do that with my head turned to what is behind me.

xo friends...

Finding Light

My heart just hurts this morning with what has happened in Boston.  

I am so sad for those who were celebrating amazing athletic achievement and are now broken hearted. 

I want to know WHY someone did this.  What was the reason?  What was the motivation?  Who on earth would do this to children?  What makes you so full of hatred?

I want to DO something BIG.  I want to help or give blood or drive up to Boston and hug everyone I see. 

I want to change careers to help those who feel that blowing up innocent people will meet their agenda or need for fame or whatever twisted feeling they have growing inside of them today.

I want to single-handily change the perception of mental health diseases in this country.  Remove the financial and mental barriers that stop people from getting the help they so desperately need so we can stop the Newtowns, the Columbines, the Virginia Techs and so many other tragedies that dot our headlines.

None of those options are realities right at this moment, SO I have decided to fight the darkness with light.  For that is how we combat hatred and sorrow in real life.  We flood the world with goodness.  We seek random acts of kindness.  And we love those around us.   As Glennon Dolye Melton, my favorite blogger, says - be a truth teller and a hope spreader. The world needs more of us.

I made a list of the things I can do today, right now to pass that light on to whomever needs it right now.  

1. Smile at everyone I see today. Say hello when it feels awkward or odd to do so. 

2. Stop and listen, really listen, to the stories of those around me.  Not the cursory mom listening while children play, but really hear them and share their moments. 

3. Give back to causes I care about.  Time, talent, treasure, whatever makes sense at that moment.  The more we give away, the more love grows.  Plain and simple.

4. Be myself, because "everyone else is taken".  And by being myself, allow others the safety to be themselves and show their light to the world.

5. Remind myself that everyone is fighting a hard battle.  And most of the time, they are doing the best that they can. 

I am sure there are more things I could do - cheesy and not so much, but just for today I will do what I can.  I hope you have your own list going to bring light into darkness. 

And if your own darkness is too much to bare and you cannot give back, please stop and get help.  If you are hurting so much that the pain won't allow you to find light in the darkness, know that there is always hope. 

xo my friends.

The Bermuda Triangle that is Technology

I LOVE LOVE LOVE organization and time management! One of my favorite days is the one in August when Target unveils their fall school supply display.  I love fresh notebooks and pretty folders and spending time labeling things.  When I am having a particularly bad day/week/month/year, you can find me in a closet somewhere refolding and reorganizing.  Laugh all you want, but when it comes time for you to get a plan moving, who do you call on? 

My hope is that some day this "passion" will be my full time job, but for now I will lovingly stick to the one I have.  I am fortunate that fundraising well requires keeping a lot of information orderly and having a plan of action.  So I get to organize databases instead of closets and help people plan out donor strategies instead of strategies around closet systems, but it's a pretty good deal none the less.

I recently presented a session to a fundraising staff about time management.  We talked about the normal stuff - having systems, keeping your desk neat, watching for patterns that distract you, asking for help from your boss, etc.  Whenever I do one of these sessions, I review my old "stuff" and see what is fresh and new.  The talk trend now on good organization/ time management is about technology, specifically social media.  I found this picture as I was preparing and it's been on my mind ever since.

Is all this interaction a good thing or a bad thing?

Does it distract us from what is important or does it connect us in a different way?

Do we "need" to know what our "friends" ate for lunch? What color they painted their bathroom? Or how that trip to Hawaii was?  And do we need to know that when we are supposed to be paying attention at a meeting?

Does the time suck at work really make us THAT much less productive?  Or is Facebook just the water cooler of the 2010's?

I will argue that social media/technology in general is good and bad.  

On the good side... I love having connected with new and old friends. It is inspiring to see what wonderful things my friends have accomplished AND watch their children grow.  My Facebook feed has become where I hear about news - big and small.  And I recently found a group in my community where I can sell items online - kind of like a virtual garage sale where everyone is connected to neighbors and they come pick up items that you no longer need.  (AWESOME!)

On the bad side... Studies indicate that our obsession with technology is remapping our brains and changing how we think from the inside out.  Cyber-bullying, sexting, and other scary stuff makes me nervous for my son's world 10-15 years from now.  And I have been at lunch with friends and ALL OF US have been on our iPhones. 

There is a class at the University of Washington, and I am sure other places, on this very topic.  In short, they recommend conscious connections with technology, the removal of multi-tasking and the incorporation of meditation.

So we need to, just as in anything else, find some moderation.  I've been TRYING to put down my technology connections for consistent periods of time so I don't miss my son's moments, or my own life, with my head buried in an iPad.   I've also tried this meditation thing -- not bad.  We'll see if I can make it a "real" part of my life.

New challenges come and go, but I think the bottom line is that we all have to find what works for us and our families.  The place where we are comfortable between Iron Man and Fred Flinstone.   It's there, we just have to find it behind the winter sweaters.

xo friends...

Wherever I go, there I am

One of the greatest lessons of parenthood for me has been, "Wherever I go, there I am." 

All of the foibles and challenges and quirks I thought I had WORKED THROUGH in my 20s, came flying back into my life in different ways when I entered parenthood.  I was right back to a codependent, tearful, lonely existence.  And it scared the socks off of me.  The sleep deprivation alone was enough to bring those bad habits right back to the forefront.  But this time, I was not the only one that was going to be impacted by my insane, complex behavior patterns.  And I knew that it was time to get better.  And that somewhere in my muddled brain were the tools to help me get centered again. Once M was sleeping through the night I asked myself what I missed the most. 

The two things that I immediately identified as lacking from my life were reading and running.  The first didn't surprise me at all -- I have been a book worm since I was old enough to pick up a book and find a comfy chair.  The second, apart from the vanity of GETTING THOSE 60 lbs OFF OF ME, was a surprise. I was NEVER an athlete.  EVER.

I was always picked last for every team I was on in elementary school. (Rightly so.)

That girl on the soccer field picking flowers and not paying one iota of attention to the ball or the players or the coaches - that was me.

And the one who had "asthma" and couldn't run the mile in any test - that was me too.

In fact, I managed to be excused so many times from gym my junior year of high school that I had to write a paper on the benefits of exercise. 

Oh -- and in high school I made the gym teacher so angry (I was refusing to play tennis because I did not want to sweat on my clothes - that were UNDER my gym clothes for some strange logic only known to my smart-ass 16 year old self), he actually wrote F's across his entire grade book in frustration.  (I did not fail, but I sure deserved to!)

That was my life from 1976 until 2003.  But when things came to a head in my 20's and I was feeling a complete sense of loss and loneliness, I got a post card from Team in Training about their running program in the mail. And I called my mom, after the intro meeting, and told her I was going to run/walk a half marathon and raise money for cancer. 

I think she was quiet for about 2 minutes. 

And she said, "If you do a half marathon, we will all come watch and cheer."  I don't think she realized what she was committing to, but true to her word, she and my siblings flew to San Diego in June of 2003 to cheer me on as I ran a full marathon.  Slowly and painfully, but I ran 26.2 miles with a group of women who were certainly sent from God to help me heal.

And to this day, 24 races later, running has become a piece of that solace I never had before January of 2003.  It slows my brain down.  It clears my soul from the noise and let's me find the version of myself that makes a good mother, friend, and wife.  It brings me closer to my higher power in a way that I never believed possible.

This is what marathon training taught me:

1. Realism = Start where you are
2. Perspective = Eat the elephant 1 bite at a time
3. Gratitude = It takes a Village
4. Progress = Track It
5. Mindfulness = Be Present
6. Perseverance = It’s NOT always easy
7. Faith = Believe that you CAN do it
8. Celebration = Celebrate the successes

This Saturday I am running my 25th race.  I'll be out there in my crown and tutu at the Brambleton Ribbon Run for breast cancer in honor of two brave ladies in my life fighting the disease. 

For them, and for me, I will put one foot in front of the other.  I won't be first and I won't be last.  I'll just keep moving.

xo

Is one the loneliest number?

When I think family I think BIG.  My mom is one of 13 and my dad is one of 6.  We are a multiplying Irish-German brood of loud.  Family has always meant warmth and noise and chaos and squabbles to me.  We are so loud and fun that my wedding venue ran out of vodka at our open bar reception.  And there were aunts and uncles missing!

I am one of three and was used to opening gifts with siblings on Christmas morning and pictures of tanned, happy faces at the beach in the summer.  My life would not be as rich or as deep without my brother, sister and their growing families.  When I have good news or bad they are among the first numbers I reach for to share.  

My parents encouraged our relationships - even though I believe I would have been the PERFECT only child.  They refused to stop trying to help us have a great relationship...

Even after I colored the entire freshly painted hallway at 4 when my mother REFUSED to return my brother to the hospital. 

Or when I walked through O'Hare airport at 10 pretending that I didn't know those people about 20 yards behind me -- they were just so loud and embarrassing.

Or when I complained about countless baseball, basketball and God knows what else ball games that I had to attend when I would have much rather been with my friends.

But all these years later they will always know me in a special way that only siblings know. 

With all of that in mind... After a lot of discussion and internal contemplation we have decided to only have one child.

ADD YOUR OWN STUNNED SILENCE HERE.

My husband and I got married at 30 and 34. Our son was born when we were 34 and 38. To say we were set in our ways is a giant understatement. We are both stubborn and like things the way we like them. End of story. We were not prepared for what a baby would do to our lives and the challenges it would put in front of our marriage. 

So here we are.   And I watch as my friends go on to have 2, 3, 4 and sometimes more children.  I read baby announcements and hold new siblings and purchase big brother and sister gifts for Michael's friends. 

At least once a week someone asks me when we will have another one. 
Or what we are waiting for.  Or if we are SURE we only want one. 

I makes me pause and think... Will I regret this decision when it's too late? Am I being selfish in not wanting to be pregnant again? Am I depriving Michael of the special memories I shared with my siblings? Is he going to be a huge spoiled brat?  A social misfit?  Feeling painfully responsible for our happiness when he is 35? 

Or are we giving him the best life we can as a family of three?  Is it the right choice for us today?  Is life about doing what you are supposed to do OR making your own choices and making the best of whatever works best for YOUR family - be it three or five or 19 and counting?

The thing about these very adult choices is that there are no right answers.  We put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best.  So that's what we'll do.  And we will just keep loving each other right on through.

xo

Better Every Day

I always wanted to be a mom.  I thought I'd love to stay at home and make cookies and be a girl scout leader.  I imagined barbies and pink and sparkles.  Our days would be filled with bike rides and walks in the park followed by relaxing naps.  We would have delightful play groups with home made snacks and organic milk. I thought I'd have great maternity style, followed by adorable mommy style, and a cute little baby basketball belly.   

Then I got pregnant.

With a boy.

And I gained 60 pounds.

My little boy did not sleep through the night until he was 9 months old.

He had his own opinions about what he wanted to play with.  And eat. And what we were going to do with our day.

And I hated being home.  It was melting my brain.  I was jealous of the moms who seemed so effortless.  I was tired and uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do with an infant who NEEDED me all the time.  It took time for us to love one another the way I thought we would.  And miraculously I craved going back to work in a way that shocked my pre-conceived notions of what a good mom did and did not do. 

That cute little boy turns three in July.  He now sleeps through the night most of the time and plays beautifully by himself.  He is funny and fun and all boy all the time.  I am also happy to say that I have found my glow, just like all those mommy books promise.  It just looks different than my pre-baby musings and that is 100% OK.  So that's where I've started my journey to the new me.  I am so different than I was three years ago, I don't know if I would recognize that person if I met her on the street. But here I am.

The word authenticity has been coming up often in my world recently and got me thinking about what it means to me.  Today.  It is a tough question and one that is made even more challenging by all the areas of my world colliding as I have one foot in the stay-at-home camp and one in the working-mom camp.  Don't get me wrong - I count my blessings EVERY DAY that I have a job I love, a beautiful little boy, and a happy life. 

But I will tell you that I had to dig myself out of the post-baby sadness to get to that revelation.  Soooo to remind myself of the kind of person I want to be I made a list.  And I laminated it. :o)  

This is what I came up with:
A present mom
A loving spouse
A happy, stable person
Kind and generous
Financially responsible
Professionally well respected
A compassionate, quick colleague
Someone who leaves you happier than you were when you found her
Intellectually curious
Organized
Comfortable in my own skin

Every day I struggle with at LEAST one item on this list, but I get to start over.

Carry on friends...
xo