Thursday, May 30, 2013

Don't Put the Key to Your Happiness in Someone Else's Pocket

"And she always feels things so deeply"
- Liane Moriarty

Have you ever read a line in a book and had it just stick with you - like having the wind knocked out of you?  Or like the gum on the bottom of your shoe that won't come off? 

When I read that line in What Alice Forgot, I thought - that's me.  I finally know what "too sensitive" on report cards really meant.  Or what my boss said at summer camp in college when she had me wear "Extra Emotional Erin" on a button for the last week of camp.

I feel things to the tips of my toes - the good, the bad and the ugly.  When someone is in a bad mood or a good one, I am there right along with them.  Feeling their highs and their lows.  Another word is co-dependence, but that's a conversation for another day.

In my childhood it was NOT a good quality.  It made me the perfect person to pick on for the mean girls as a tween.  I am sure if you knew me at that time, you'd have more than one story to share.  But as an adult it often serves me well.  I read rooms well and can sense what someone needs often before they do. 

I have been thinking about that a lot lately.  As I navigate the challenges of adulthood and life long commitments, as opposed to childhood transience, I think about being too sensitive to other people's moods and feelings.  It makes it difficult to be OK with Just who I am when I am constantly worried about everything else around me.  It also makes it difficult to be 100% happy when I am so focused on others' feelings.

So now I pause and try to stay in my own little space on the chess board.  For practice, I'm testing out a new mantra...

 
"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"
 
xo friends...


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood...

 
 
 
I believe in good intentions. That most people are doing the best job that they know how to do at any given time.

I believe in forgiveness.  That the more we are able to forgive others, the more likely we are to stop the pain ourselves.

I believe in hope. That it is the ONE irrepressible power we have against darkness.

I believe in perspective. That sometimes you have to jump up on the table and say "Oh Captain, my Captain" and see the world from a different place.

I believe in the power of a good story.  That getting lost in a book and imaging that world provides a step back from our current problems and allows them to cool.

I believe in exercise and sleep.  That they are critical to a happy life and provide a mental boost essential to growth and healing.

I believe that the days are long, but the years are short.  That change comes at an excruciatingly painful set of moments, but that when we look back on time the year has flown by in the space of a heartbeat.

I believe in failure and loss.  They are the things that make us stronger, more resilient, and in the long run provide greater success.


The first few are easy enough.  They are about looking for the good, taking action, and moving.  I have a very hard hard time with the last two. 

This week I had a major disappointment.  I intellectually understand it and know exactly why it happened and what my part was/is in the story.  But it stung just the same.  I gave myself 24 hours to sulk about what had occurred.  And in that time, I thought of those other moments - losing an election in College or being passed over for a job or ending a relationship that just wasn't working.  It felt VERY YUCKY.

I sat down on the sofa after M's bedtime still feeling grumpy, but my 24 hours were just about up.  You see, I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I think the world, and human power, is much to complex for that simplification.  Just the same... something very miraculous happened yesterday just before bedtime.  I had this moment of realization, it was one of those extraordinary every day moments that took my breath away.  I looked at a picture of M on my way to bed and I remembered --

That in the end, I was grateful for those failures. 

That in the end, my life was better because I was forced down a different path.

That what I have right now, is exactly what I have always wanted and I would not be here if it weren't for my wandering in a new direction.  

xo friends

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Is that a good idea or a bad idea?

 

When John and I were looking at homes four years ago we were in search of a good lot with a good size home in a nice neighborhood with good schools.  In July of 2009, we closed on just that.  We LOVE LOVE LOVE our house and our neighborhood.  It's in a beautiful planned community with walking paths and real trees and wonderful neighbors.
 
One of the things we didn't consider, or at least I didn't, was what that kind of neighborhood meant in terms of STUFF and labels and keeping up with the neighbors.  I don't find our immediate neighbors very competitive, but I watch the local teenagers with new cars and labels on their arms and I know what's coming. 

I grew up in a beautiful neighborhood much like this one.  My first introduction to labels came at 11.  When Harry Potter was learning about Hogwarts, I was learning about Champion and Keds and Z Cavaricci (you may have to have grown up in NJ to know about the last one). 
 
The NEED for stuff traveled with me to college in Milwaukee where the labels were different, but consumption became a larger part of my life with the freedom that comes from your own credit card. (Why 18 year-olds who do not even know how to balance a check book should NOT be given credit cards is a whole other blog post!)  By the time I was finished with college, I had racked up $10,000 in debt trying to keep up.  That pattern persisted for years and the need to have what everyone else had, or to fill a need I thought was there with STUFF got me in lots of trouble. 
 
Over the past year or so, I have begun to shift my thinking about consumption and consumer need.  I don't want to live in a way that purchasing items is more important than real moments.  I don't want M to live that way.  We do not need to walk out of Target with $100 worth of STUFF every time we go in there. 
 
 
But it is so hard.  We are inundated by emails and Facebook ads and reminders of those items we MUST HAVE all day long. And that is before being invited to the at home purse/ chef/ clothing/ jewelry parties or seeing the new must have toy at the park. 

I've realized, since beginning to become a conscious consumer, that it is not about avoiding these messages.  It's about shifting my thinking about them.  I need to pay attention and work to change every day.  Sometimes every hour.  And sometimes every minute.  My choices need to be just that - choices. 
 
I ask M when he is about to jump off a table or climb the pantry shelves - "Is that a good idea or a bad idea?".  (He typically answers "good idea", but again - another post.) For the first time, I am now asking myself the same question when faced with consumer choices.  It feels strange, but good.  
 
xo friends...

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

No one will ever know the strength of my love for you

"No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. 
After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

Mother's Day began in 1908.  It became an official US holiday in 1914 and by the 1920's its founder, Anna Jarvis, was already disappointed in its commercialism.  I wonder what she would think if she looked around today.  I wonder if the excessive sales and beribboned cars and abundance of flowers would sadden her to no end.  When I picture Anna Jarvis holding a memorial for her mother in Grafton, West Virginia on the first Mother's Day, I do not think the world felt even close to what it feels like today. 

I will confess that on my first mother's day, I felt like a fraud.  This day was about MY mom, mother-in-law, amazing sisters-in-law, and grandmothers - not about me. I felt as if I had not earned my mother stripes - even after 24 hours of labor and 10 months of babyhood.

Michael and me - May 2011

Two years later and this mother's day is quite different for me.  I finally feel like I've earned a seat at the worldwide table of mothers.  And I have been thinking a lot about the TRUE meaning of this day.  So I will pause to remember three special ladies as we approach Sunday.

First, I think of Sally Raba.  I have never met Sally, but I have the honor of knowing her beautiful daughter Molly and delightful grandson Nicholas.  For the past two years, I have run with her family in the Race for Hope in memory and honor of those suffering from brain tumors.  Throughout the race I was touched by those who are fighting the good fight and reminded of the blessing of health, love and friendship.  From what Molly has shared, Sally would have appreciated those lessons.

Molly Bahn and me at the Race for Hope 2013

Second, I think of Lois Hutton.  I was fortunate enough to meet Lois a handful of times as I got to know her daughter, Pam Nelson.  Pam has shared with me the lessons Lois taught her and has in turn made me a better mother, wife and friend.  Lois will never know the impact her love has through her daughter, but I am forever grateful. We will run to celebrate Lois, and Pam's grandmother, in the National Ovarian Cancer Run/Walk on Saturday, May 18th.

The Nelson Family

And third, I think of Nancy Carey, my brother-in-law's mom.  Nancy was laid to rest yesterday in a very touching service.  I took with me many things from the day, but particularly how much her husband and sons love her.  She was a shining example of putting your family first.  My heart breaks for Kevin, his brother, and dad.  I am grateful for the example Nancy set and for the young man she raised.  I love how much he loves my sister and the life they have created together.  She was the kind of mother I hope, in many ways, to be.  

Kevin and Meg Carey

As we pause for a moment, commercially or otherwise, to celebrate the women who love us in a way that we, as children, will never fully understand, I think of these women and honor them. 

I am also grateful beyond measure for my mother, Karen Crotty, and her enormous heart.  It was not until I had Michael that I fully got it.  I fully realized why she did some of the things she did.  I knew why she loved me so much as an introverted little girl and a defiant teenager.  I knew why she would drive 4.5 hours just to spend some time with me.  And I am so grateful for her, words are not enough. 


Happy Mother's Day to you.   
xo friends

 


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Namaste -- The God in me sees the God in You

As MJT gets older and starts to grasp more concepts, I think a lot about the lessons I want to make certain we teach him.  When I was pregnant, and reading every parenting book I could find, I read something about the critical importance of teaching our children humility.  The author argued that we often want to teach our children confidence, but what really makes a successful person is humility.  I don't remember liking the rest of the book, but I did hold on to that line.  And I think about it often.  I've developed my version of that wish.

The lesson I hope to teach M is comfort in his own skin....

The knowledge that he has his own moral compass. 

That he is wonderful just as he is right now.

That his favorite color can be different from everyone else's.

That if he likes the guitar and everyone else is into skateboarding, play the guitar. 

That it doesn't matter what the kid with the cool bike or car or stereo says or what they want to do.  It matters what HE wants to do.

That there is only one MJT and whomever that person becomes, he is good enough for us and we love him. 

And with that comfort, that he can see the good in others.  And treat those who are different with respect and dignity.  And perhaps be that voice that says, that's not OK to watch when others are being hurt.  Because at the end of the day, it won't matter what the mean guys think of you - M will know the joy of knowing who he is.
...

Part of passing on that lesson, is finding comfort in my own skin.  At 37 I am much closer than was at 36.  And so I practice...  Namaste to you today.  The God in me sees the God in you.  And I love you, just as you are.

xo friends.