Better Every Day

I always wanted to be a mom.  I thought I'd love to stay at home and make cookies and be a girl scout leader.  I imagined barbies and pink and sparkles.  Our days would be filled with bike rides and walks in the park followed by relaxing naps.  We would have delightful play groups with home made snacks and organic milk. I thought I'd have great maternity style, followed by adorable mommy style, and a cute little baby basketball belly.   

Then I got pregnant.

With a boy.

And I gained 60 pounds.

My little boy did not sleep through the night until he was 9 months old.

He had his own opinions about what he wanted to play with.  And eat. And what we were going to do with our day.

And I hated being home.  It was melting my brain.  I was jealous of the moms who seemed so effortless.  I was tired and uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do with an infant who NEEDED me all the time.  It took time for us to love one another the way I thought we would.  And miraculously I craved going back to work in a way that shocked my pre-conceived notions of what a good mom did and did not do. 

That cute little boy turns three in July.  He now sleeps through the night most of the time and plays beautifully by himself.  He is funny and fun and all boy all the time.  I am also happy to say that I have found my glow, just like all those mommy books promise.  It just looks different than my pre-baby musings and that is 100% OK.  So that's where I've started my journey to the new me.  I am so different than I was three years ago, I don't know if I would recognize that person if I met her on the street. But here I am.

The word authenticity has been coming up often in my world recently and got me thinking about what it means to me.  Today.  It is a tough question and one that is made even more challenging by all the areas of my world colliding as I have one foot in the stay-at-home camp and one in the working-mom camp.  Don't get me wrong - I count my blessings EVERY DAY that I have a job I love, a beautiful little boy, and a happy life. 

But I will tell you that I had to dig myself out of the post-baby sadness to get to that revelation.  Soooo to remind myself of the kind of person I want to be I made a list.  And I laminated it. :o)  

This is what I came up with:
A present mom
A loving spouse
A happy, stable person
Kind and generous
Financially responsible
Professionally well respected
A compassionate, quick colleague
Someone who leaves you happier than you were when you found her
Intellectually curious
Organized
Comfortable in my own skin

Every day I struggle with at LEAST one item on this list, but I get to start over.

Carry on friends...
xo