Don't Put the Key to Your Happiness in Someone Else's Pocket

"And she always feels things so deeply"

- Liane Moriarty

Have you ever read a line in a book and had it just stick with you - like having the wind knocked out of you?  Or like the gum on the bottom of your shoe that won't come off? 

When I read that line in What Alice Forgot, I thought - that's me.  I finally know what "too sensitive" on report cards really meant.  Or what my boss said at summer camp in college when she had me wear "Extra Emotional Erin" on a button for the last week of camp.

I feel things to the tips of my toes - the good, the bad and the ugly.  When someone is in a bad mood or a good one, I am there right along with them.  Feeling their highs and their lows.  Another word is co-dependence, but that's a conversation for another day.

In my childhood it was NOT a good quality.  It made me the perfect person to pick on for the mean girls as a tween.  I am sure if you knew me at that time, you'd have more than one story to share.  But as an adult it often serves me well.  I read rooms well and can sense what someone needs often before they do. 

I have been thinking about that a lot lately.  As I navigate the challenges of adulthood and life long commitments, as opposed to childhood transience, I think about being too sensitive to other people's moods and feelings.  It makes it difficult to be OK with Just who I am when I am constantly worried about everything else around me.  It also makes it difficult to be 100% happy when I am so focused on others' feelings.

So now I pause and try to stay in my own little space on the chess board.  For practice, I'm testing out a new mantra...

 

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket"

 

xo friends...



Two Roads Diverged in a Wood...

 

 

 

I believe in good intentions. That most people are doing the best job that they know how to do at any given time.

I believe in forgiveness.  That the more we are able to forgive others, the more likely we are to stop the pain ourselves.

I believe in hope. That it is the ONE irrepressible power we have against darkness.

I believe in perspective. That sometimes you have to jump up on the table and say "Oh Captain, my Captain" and see the world from a different place.

I believe in the power of a good story.  That getting lost in a book and imaging that world provides a step back from our current problems and allows them to cool.

I believe in exercise and sleep.  That they are critical to a happy life and provide a mental boost essential to growth and healing.

I believe that the days are long, but the years are short.  That change comes at an excruciatingly painful set of moments, but that when we look back on time the year has flown by in the space of a heartbeat.

I believe in failure and loss.  They are the things that make us stronger, more resilient, and in the long run provide greater success.

The first few are easy enough.  They are about looking for the good, taking action, and moving.  I have a very hard hard time with the last two. 

This week I had a major disappointment.  I intellectually understand it and know exactly why it happened and what my part was/is in the story.  But it stung just the same.  I gave myself 24 hours to sulk about what had occurred.  And in that time, I thought of those other moments - losing an election in College or being passed over for a job or ending a relationship that just wasn't working.  It felt VERY YUCKY.

I sat down on the sofa after M's bedtime still feeling grumpy, but my 24 hours were just about up.  You see, I do not believe that everything happens for a reason. I think the world, and human power, is much to complex for that simplification.  Just the same... something very miraculous happened yesterday just before bedtime.  I had this moment of realization, it was one of those extraordinary every day moments that took my breath away.  I looked at a picture of M on my way to bed and I remembered --

That in the end, I was grateful for those failures. 

That in the end, my life was better because I was forced down a different path.

That what I have right now, is exactly what I have always wanted and I would not be here if it weren't for my wandering in a new direction.  

xo friends

Is that a good idea or a bad idea?

 

When John and I were looking at homes four years ago we were in search of a good lot with a good size home in a nice neighborhood with good schools.  In July of 2009, we closed on just that.  We LOVE LOVE LOVE our house and our neighborhood.  It's in a beautiful planned community with walking paths and real trees and wonderful neighbors.
 
One of the things we didn't consider, or at least I didn't, was what that kind of neighborhood meant in terms of STUFF and labels and keeping up with the neighbors.  I don't find our immediate neighbors very competitive, but I watch the local teenagers with new cars and labels on their arms and I know what's coming. 

I grew up in a beautiful neighborhood much like this one.  My first introduction to labels came at 11.  When Harry Potter was learning about Hogwarts, I was learning about Champion and Keds and Z Cavaricci (you may have to have grown up in NJ to know about the last one). 
 
The NEED for stuff traveled with me to college in Milwaukee where the labels were different, but consumption became a larger part of my life with the freedom that comes from your own credit card. (Why 18 year-olds who do not even know how to balance a check book should NOT be given credit cards is a whole other blog post!)  By the time I was finished with college, I had racked up $10,000 in debt trying to keep up.  That pattern persisted for years and the need to have what everyone else had, or to fill a need I thought was there with STUFF got me in lots of trouble. 
 
Over the past year or so, I have begun to shift my thinking about consumption and consumer need.  I don't want to live in a way that purchasing items is more important than real moments.  I don't want M to live that way.  We do not need to walk out of Target with $100 worth of STUFF every time we go in there. 
 

 
But it is so hard.  We are inundated by emails and Facebook ads and reminders of those items we MUST HAVE all day long. And that is before being invited to the at home purse/ chef/ clothing/ jewelry parties or seeing the new must have toy at the park. 

I've realized, since beginning to become a conscious consumer, that it is not about avoiding these messages.  It's about shifting my thinking about them.  I need to pay attention and work to change every day.  Sometimes every hour.  And sometimes every minute.  My choices need to be just that - choices. 
 
I ask M when he is about to jump off a table or climb the pantry shelves - "Is that a good idea or a bad idea?".  (He typically answers "good idea", but again - another post.) For the first time, I am now asking myself the same question when faced with consumer choices.  It feels strange, but good.  
 
xo friends...

No one will ever know the strength of my love for you

"No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. 

After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

Mother's Day began in 1908.  It became an official US holiday in 1914 and by the 1920's its founder, Anna Jarvis, was already disappointed in its commercialism.  I wonder what she would think if she looked around today.  I wonder if the excessive sales and beribboned cars and abundance of flowers would sadden her to no end.  When I picture Anna Jarvis holding a memorial for her mother in Grafton, West Virginia on the first Mother's Day, I do not think the world felt even close to what it feels like today. 

I will confess that on my first mother's day, I felt like a fraud.  This day was about MY mom, mother-in-law, amazing sisters-in-law, and grandmothers - not about me. I felt as if I had not earned my mother stripes - even after 24 hours of labor and 10 months of babyhood.

Michael and me - May 2011

Two years later and this mother's day is quite different for me.  I finally feel like I've earned a seat at the worldwide table of mothers.  And I have been thinking a lot about the TRUE meaning of this day.  So I will pause to remember three special ladies as we approach Sunday.

First, I think of Sally Raba.  I have never met Sally, but I have the honor of knowing her beautiful daughter Molly and delightful grandson Nicholas.  For the past two years, I have run with her family in the Race for Hope in memory and honor of those suffering from brain tumors.  Throughout the race I was touched by those who are fighting the good fight and reminded of the blessing of health, love and friendship.  From what Molly has shared, Sally would have appreciated those lessons.

Molly Bahn and me at the Race for Hope 2013

Second, I think of Lois Hutton.  I was fortunate enough to meet Lois a handful of times as I got to know her daughter, Pam Nelson.  Pam has shared with me the lessons Lois taught her and has in turn made me a better mother, wife and friend.  Lois will never know the impact her love has through her daughter, but I am forever grateful. We will run to celebrate Lois, and Pam's grandmother, in the National Ovarian Cancer Run/Walk on Saturday, May 18th.

The Nelson Family

And third, I think of Nancy Carey, my brother-in-law's mom.  Nancy was laid to rest yesterday in a very touching service.  I took with me many things from the day, but particularly how much her husband and sons love her.  She was a shining example of putting your family first.  My heart breaks for Kevin, his brother, and dad.  I am grateful for the example Nancy set and for the young man she raised.  I love how much he loves my sister and the life they have created together.  She was the kind of mother I hope, in many ways, to be.  

Kevin and Meg Carey

As we pause for a moment, commercially or otherwise, to celebrate the women who love us in a way that we, as children, will never fully understand, I think of these women and honor them. 

I am also grateful beyond measure for my mother, Karen Crotty, and her enormous heart.  It was not until I had Michael that I fully got it.  I fully realized why she did some of the things she did.  I knew why she loved me so much as an introverted little girl and a defiant teenager.  I knew why she would drive 4.5 hours just to spend some time with me.  And I am so grateful for her, words are not enough. 

Happy Mother's Day to you.   
xo friends

 

Namaste -- The God in me sees the God in You

As MJT gets older and starts to grasp more concepts, I think a lot about the lessons I want to make certain we teach him.  When I was pregnant, and reading every parenting book I could find, I read something about the critical importance of teaching our children humility.  The author argued that we often want to teach our children confidence, but what really makes a successful person is humility.  I don't remember liking the rest of the book, but I did hold on to that line.  And I think about it often.  I've developed my version of that wish.

The lesson I hope to teach M is comfort in his own skin....

The knowledge that he has his own moral compass. 

That he is wonderful just as he is right now.

That his favorite color can be different from everyone else's.

That if he likes the guitar and everyone else is into skateboarding, play the guitar. 

That it doesn't matter what the kid with the cool bike or car or stereo says or what they want to do.  It matters what HE wants to do.

That there is only one MJT and whomever that person becomes, he is good enough for us and we love him. 

And with that comfort, that he can see the good in others.  And treat those who are different with respect and dignity.  And perhaps be that voice that says, that's not OK to watch when others are being hurt.  Because at the end of the day, it won't matter what the mean guys think of you - M will know the joy of knowing who he is.

...

Part of passing on that lesson, is finding comfort in my own skin.  At 37 I am much closer than was at 36.  And so I practice...  Namaste to you today.  The God in me sees the God in you.  And I love you, just as you are.

xo friends.
 

Nerd Girl Problem: Having to put down a great book...

I can TOTALLY relate to this...

One of the things I am most grateful to my parents for is the love of reading they instilled in us.  As I have shared with my husband over the years, there were afternoons on vacation where we would all be one room reading and the only sound would be the turning of pages.  To this day, we are all avid readers. 

I wanted to share two books that have come across my kindle recently.  (Point of information - I say kindle, as I do use it for reading, but my preference will ALWAYS be paper books!)  Even if you are not a working parent or a parent, these are AWESOME books.  I have a whole list of parenting books I love.  Comment below and I will happily send you my list. 

I hate when reviews use last names, as I always think I know an author well enough after reading their book that we are now friends. So, please do not think I am being disrespectful, quite the opposite.

Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg

This is THE business book to be discussing right now.  If you haven't at least checked it out on Wikipedia, you should.  I promise that you will seem much smarter in your next meeting. :o)  

Sheryl is a great writer and has had an amazing career.  I LOVED the first half.  I was facinated by her rise through the tech ranks at Facebook and Google, her tenacity and thoughtful approach.  I loved the stories about the beginnings of Facebook.  And I felt like I took away some great tips for shifting the way I approached my career. 

The second half felt like a mixture of repitition and condicention.  She talks a lot about managing family and work.  It's helpful, but I could not relate.  She has the financial means to hire help and pay for the best.  Not all of us have that experience.  I think it detracted from her message. 

Carry on Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton

 

If you have not been to Momastary.com - go.  Stop reading this right now and click on the link.  Please come back when you are done, but I will warn you reading her posts might just drain your afternoon.  Glennon is amazing.  Her story is remarkable and her message is even better - Be YOU.  Be a truth teller and a hope spreader. 

Her book is really a collection of her blogs with some other information woven throughout.  I have read other bloggers books, but this one just struck me.  Perhaps it is her candor or honesty or the fact that her love just jumps off the page. 

The bottom line - I like this book because I felt like I could go back in at any moment and feel better when I put the book down.

My favorite reading buddy is my beautiful sister.  She has wonderful recommendations for all kinds of books.  I just love how smart she is and I would argue that reading just enhances her thoughtful brain. 

That is us, above, after going to the bookstore at midnight and staying up all night to read Harry Potter 7.  NO, we did not dress up, but we thought about it.   

Books are amazing.  They transport us to another world.  They give us wonderful topics of discussion and a chance to imagine a world beyond our own walls.

Happy reading, friends.
xo

Turning Forward

My theme this week seems to be change.  And here's why...

On Monday, the tragedy in Boston unfolded and I was instantly transported to the summer of 2000 and walking those very streets during my career-path changing internship at Boston University.  And I realized that was almost thirteen years ago...

On Thursday and Friday, we held our spring company meeting in Morristown, New Jersey.  The hotel's gym was outside the hotel proper, but right next to the Headquarters Plaza movie theater.  I laughed to a colleague about a couple of really bad dates right upstairs in those seats as we puffed away on elliptical machines.  And I realized that was almost 23 years ago...

On Monday, I was added to a class page for my high school reunion next summer.  Since I zoomed out of town in 1994, high school has been very distant from my day to day life.  I keep up with a good number of my classmates via Facebook so I don't feel an intense need to find out what is happening by attending, however it brought me back to the halls of MTHS pretty quickly.  And I realized that was almost 20 years ago...

And in the past few months, I have been thinking a lot about getting "back" to the pre-baby me.  Getting my figure back.  Remembering who I was before a child and a mortgage and wrinkles and a REAL job. 

And I realized something else....

That person is gone and never to be found again.  The girl who interned at BU and went on those bad dates and sang in the high school choir is not the me sitting in my pretty blue office next to my little boy's bedroom. 

I have found that there are lots of changes happening for all of us every day - incremental and huge.  Painful and simple.  Wished for and despised.  Self-imposed and thrown at us with force. 

Sometimes they really hurt.  But in the end, I believe they are good.  Who we are now is to be celebrated - frown lines and all.  Change is part of embracing life and parenthood and love and growth.  Finding acceptance in change is one of the most difficult things we can do. 

My brother is amazing to watch when it comes to change.  I will never forget his College graduation.  I kept looking for a wistful sign or a note of sadness, but he didn't show them.  I asked him later why and he told me, effectively, that he was done and ready to move on to the next thing.  He had a great run and it was time to go. 

I think about that when I find myself holding on too tightly. 

One of my challenges is to embrace the moment and I cannot possibly do that with my head turned to what is behind me.

xo friends...