I must be one of the wonders...

There is an emotional energy at the starting line of a long race.  I find that at that moment, I do not want to talk or stretch or anticipate the miles to follow - I just want to be part of all the hope that comes with being a runner. 

Back in my 9-10 minute mile group I watch the elite runners move their way forward, new racers look around wondering how they arrived here, and friends move off to the sidelines as they wish their marathoners and half marathoners well.

I was surprised to find myself feeling that same swell of emotion at the Leesburg 20k this weekend.  I was treating it as a training run for my September half marathon.  But there it was... That intense feeling of - WOW.  Not everyone can do this. We committed to a plan and here we are - ready or not, off we go.

And miles 1-5 were MISERABLE. 

 

I was hating myself for doing this. 

 

Cursing my friend who invited me to do the half with her. 

 

Thinking mean and terrible thoughts about my fellow runners.

And then I heard this song and saw this bridge and my whole race changed.

I remembered WHY I've started running again.  It's about fitness and health and doing something challenging that's just for me.  But it's also about the promise I made to the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp to do a race a month to help kids find a different kind of healing from cancer and other illnesses. 

It's amazing what a little inspiration can do for a long, solitary run with 1,000 of my closest running friends.  I not only finished with negative splits, but I smiled for the last mile and raced a guy 10 years younger than me to a photo finish.

 

 

I am very proud of finishing this race, but I am most proud of the inspiration behind it.  Being a part of Team Hole in the Wall gives me the opportunity to help change the lives of very sick children.  It gives them a chance to be kids again.  I hope you will consider supporting this effort with a gift today by clicking here.

Thank you and lots of love...
xo

A Very Merry Unbirthday to Me

Today is my half-birthday. I've always liked that my half-birthday is on August 13 and comes as summer is winding down.  In my world, it has always been a quiet time of year.  Life is slower, there is less on the calendar, and it is a time for new beginnings - clean notebooks, new school shoes, all that jazz. 

I am not one for New Year's resolutions, but as I quietly celebrate 37 1/2 with a cup of coffee as M plays in his playroom, these are my internal "to do's" for the moment...

I will not purchase anything I do not LOVE.  As I work to recallibrate my shopping habit, this one is big. Shopping for things I LOVE is a much different experience than shopping to fill a void or become someone else or meet a new status level.

I will no longer wear things that are uncomfortable for the sake of a trend created by a 20-something fashion editor in NYC.  This includes, but is not limited to, tops that are too tight, undergarments that are uncomfortable, and skinny jeans that do not properly fit my post-baby body.  

I will embrace my sensitive nature instead of trying so hard to pretend I don't feel things as deeply as I do.  Does that mean I have to react to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING?  No.  But after 37 1/2 years of being "too sensitive" I have decided that is who I am and I no longer need to worry about the comments section of an imaginary report card.

I will work to be OK with my kind of mothering.  I do not need to have elaborate plans for our days or busy boxes and books or the perfect age appropriate crafts.  I read another post this morning about how we can make our children's lives magical and I was so proud of all of the things I DO to make M's childhood special.  I am going to hold on to that feeling.

And I will stop being in charge of other people's emotions.  If my husband or friends or family have a bad day it is not my fault.  I only make it worse by trying to take over their feelings.  Today, I will give them the space to be who they are and believe that they love me unless they tell me otherwise.

A very merry unbirthday to me... and you... and you and you and you!

xo friends... 

Accidental Blessings

When I first got pregnant I thought there was NO WAY I was going back to work.  I spent 9 months telling myself "you never have to sit through a meeting like that again"... "you never have to put on another suit"... "this is  your LAST train ride and crappy Hertz car"...

My "Professional" Headshot

 

You see, I did not choose my profession.  I am a fundraising consultant 100% by accident. I have friends who knew they wanted to be doctors or teachers or journalists from the age of four.  Not me.  I tried on lots of hats throughout high school and college and my 20s.  All with tremendous external conviction.  I was going to be a journalist, a PR maven, an event planner, a student affairs professional...

Anything that let me be creative and in charge.

 

Oh - and I wanted to change the world. :o)

I knew what I wanted to DO but I had no idea what I wanted to BE.  

Somewhere between 18 and 34, I ended up falling in love with my profession and I didn't even know it. When faced with the choice of going back to work or staying home, I went back to work.  I am VERY VERY lucky - I work from home, set my own schedule, and have bosses who have profound and deep respect for family.  My job is in no way perfect, but in many ways it meets every element of my wish list.  I am creative and in charge and I help people.  Not every day, but most of the time.

 

Do I feel guilty?  Of course.  When I don't always know what M ate for lunch or exactly where the bruise on his knee came from or where he learned that song, I momentarily feel like I failed as a mother.  But I remember that he has caregivers who LOVE him.  And he gets to form relationships with Miss Sue, Miss Elissa and Miss Sara.  His world becomes larger and, just like all of us, when he is loved - his capacity to love others grows.

At Miss Elissa's Wedding

Right now it's 8:15 at night and I am on a train home from an afternoon of meetings in NYC. I left my house at 7am, just as M was waking up.  I said good morning and got in my car to get to Union Station. But tomorrow, I will be there for wake up and hugs and kisses and bedtime.  

I don't have a huge profound point this evening.  As I looked at the window of the train, I was counting my blessings.  For me, one of them is this: I am grateful that I have the opportunity to love my accidental happiness as much as the happily ever I planned for...

xo friends...