ENOUGH of this Nonsense

When you look at this picture,

what do you see?

I am almost positive, you will say all good things.  You might tell me that you are proud of me or that it looked very hot out.  No idea exactly what jumps to mind for you, but I am guessing you do not see the things I do.

When I look at this picture, I find every flaw.  I see my red face and sweaty hair and too big thighs, and inappropriate race cleavage.  

When I look at this picture, I immediately miss the fact that my dear friend and I had an awesome race.  We made great time on a hilly course and got to chat without interruption.  I even won free shoes at the festival afterwards.

I have been thinking about this picture a lot since I downloaded it from Sunday's race site.  I stopped myself thinking these mean thoughts on my run this morning and thought, "why do you do that?".

Is it so that I get the dig in on my appearance before anyone else has a chance?

 

Is it that I still hear the voices of the mean girls in Jr. high and high school picking on my clothes or bad perm or lack of trendy fashion?

 

Is it because I always see the bad before the good when it comes to myself?

 

Is it just realism and I need to accept it?

Whatever the reason, it's not OK.  It is not OK to be so hard on ourselves that we miss out on life. 

There are maybe 3 pictures of me with M from his first year of life.  There are about 1,500 pictures of him and many with John, but very few of me.  I was so ashamed of how I looked that I didn't want any photos taken.  And if they were, I had the good sense to delete them immediately.  But now my adorable son doesn't have tangible reminders of how very much he was loved that first year.  And there is something so sad about that.

We are not airbrushed models.  We are real moms and dads and friends doing real things.  We are children of God doing the best we can.

ENOUGH of this nonsense.

Just enough. 

xo friends...

There is ALWAYS a Solution

I spend my working mom hours as a fundraising consultant.  As a fifteen year veteran of the industry, I have seen almost everything there is to see in fundraising. 

Often we are brought in as consultants because clients are stuck and cannot see past their own way of doing things.  At many places there is only one route from here to there and that is how it has been done for decades. 

When clients are feeling stuck and down and overwhelmed - I share my favorite phrase:

 

"There is always a solution."

When I first began using it my reason was to create a pause in the conversation and redirect the discussion.  Over the years it has become the phrase I go back to when either a client or I cannot seem to get out of our own way to find a route to solve a problem.

Another way to think about it was in my Pinterest feed a week or so ago: 

If you don't like where you are, then change it.  You are not a tree.

It is funny to me how much work and home can bleed together.  This "work" phrase has slowly become a very strong mantra for me. 

Over the years, as I have battled with depression and anxiety, I have found this simple concept to be the most helpful in seeing out from the deep well of sadness.  There are millions of phrases and mantras and advice for those dealing with mental health issues.  Countless plans and therapists and books and well meaning friends who tell you EXACTLY what will make you better.  OR make you feel like this is not "real" and you just need to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and GET OVER IT.

But when you are THAT low, there is no moving or changing or hope. 

When you feel that disconnected, a plan that stretches for months seems just to big to grapple with.

When you are that lonely, there is no one who understands your pain.

For me, once I was able to find word or a phrase or a sliver of light, there was a path to hope. 

I happen to love the idea of solutions because the deep power of internal darkness causes you to see only the sadness.  Solution based thinking allows small steps toward change and happiness. 

For me, the solution was small: just for today, I will find the good in front of me.

And it grew: just for today, I will tell my story honestly to those around me and not worry so much about being judged.

And grew: just for today, I will embrace my running shoes as friends and set a goal - a BIG one.

And grew: just for today, I will love my husband and son with my whole heart.  I will actually rely on them.  I will be present. 

And here I am.  I feel stronger and better and full of light again.  I know my old friend depression may resurface at any moment.  But I also know there is always a solution.

xo friends...