Thursday, April 4, 2013

Is one the loneliest number?

When I think family I think BIG.  My mom is one of 13 and my dad is one of 6.  We are a multiplying Irish-German brood of loud.  Family has always meant warmth and noise and chaos and squabbles to me.  We are so loud and fun that my wedding venue ran out of vodka at our open bar reception.  And there were aunts and uncles missing!


I am one of three and was used to opening gifts with siblings on Christmas morning and pictures of tanned, happy faces at the beach in the summer.  My life would not be as rich or as deep without my brother, sister and their growing families.  When I have good news or bad they are among the first numbers I reach for to share.  

My parents encouraged our relationships - even though I believe I would have been the PERFECT only child.  They refused to stop trying to help us have a great relationship...

Even after I colored the entire freshly painted hallway at 4 when my mother REFUSED to return my brother to the hospital. 

Or when I walked through O'Hare airport at 10 pretending that I didn't know those people about 20 yards behind me -- they were just so loud and embarrassing.

Or when I complained about countless baseball, basketball and God knows what else ball games that I had to attend when I would have much rather been with my friends.

But all these years later they will always know me in a special way that only siblings know. 


With all of that in mind... After a lot of discussion and internal contemplation we have decided to only have one child.

ADD YOUR OWN STUNNED SILENCE HERE.

My husband and I got married at 30 and 34. Our son was born when we were 34 and 38. To say we were set in our ways is a giant understatement. We are both stubborn and like things the way we like them. End of story. We were not prepared for what a baby would do to our lives and the challenges it would put in front of our marriage. 

So here we are.   And I watch as my friends go on to have 2, 3, 4 and sometimes more children.  I read baby announcements and hold new siblings and purchase big brother and sister gifts for Michael's friends. 

At least once a week someone asks me when we will have another one. 
Or what we are waiting for.  Or if we are SURE we only want one. 

I makes me pause and think... Will I regret this decision when it's too late? Am I being selfish in not wanting to be pregnant again? Am I depriving Michael of the special memories I shared with my siblings? Is he going to be a huge spoiled brat?  A social misfit?  Feeling painfully responsible for our happiness when he is 35? 

Or are we giving him the best life we can as a family of three?  Is it the right choice for us today?  Is life about doing what you are supposed to do OR making your own choices and making the best of whatever works best for YOUR family - be it three or five or 19 and counting?

The thing about these very adult choices is that there are no right answers.  We put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best.  So that's what we'll do.  And we will just keep loving each other right on through.

xo

6 comments:

  1. Although you're much more introspective and eloquent about it than I am, I've gone through a similar thought process. My wife and I have four children and, while there are times I'd love to have more, we have jointly decided that we're done. I think the thought process is the same whether you have one kid or ten.

    And don't let people bother you asking (supposedly) well-meant questions about things that aren't really their business. Just come up with a few answers that entertain you while throwing the questioner for a loop. (My personal favorite is/was Question: Four kids! You're not having any more are you? Reply: Four down, four more to go!)

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  2. When did it become appropriate for people to ask when you're having another? I get asked that question a lot, even by people who are aware of the genetic risks involved with us having more kids! My feeling is, your life, your decision. These decisions are so difficult but it is completely personal. And my belief is if you both at some point feel like having another child, if your heart really feels compelled to invite another child into your life, you will find a way to make it happen (even if that means adoption). Thanks for posting!

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  3. We went through the same thing as older parents. Between the T and C families, Michael will never be alone or lonely and I hope for the same for Nicholas.

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  4. Thanks, friends!! I appreciate that there are others on my team. :o)

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  5. LOVE your "add your own stunned silence here." you are funny! I think women feel pressured on all sides- 'you're not having kids?" to "you want HOW many?" I think it is super and empowering that you and your husband have MADE this decision for yourselves. I was in a conversation with my sisters the other day expressing that we want a third and they seemed to want to do everything in their power to persuade me otherwise. "Shouldn't you get out of debt first?" "Four people in a family is the perfect number." I left our outing feeling irritated, deflated, defeated. But it's my body not theirs. My family not theirs. So I say rock it out with you, your husband, and your your little man!

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  6. Thanks, Two Braids! I appreciate the support! :o)

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